Why? Because I said so.

Really, just relax

2005-02-24T22:19:00.000-08:00

A few posters courtesy of aperfectcircle.com that should ease your mind. If that doesn't do the trick, pop a few soma and turn on the telescreen.

Nobody is listening.

2005-02-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

Were you under the impression that somebody was?

Could someone explain this to me please.

2005-02-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

This week I decided to take a break from my tireless crusade against Big Brother, The Man, and the seven Jew bankers that control the world’s monetary supply by bringing you, my loyal reader, the lighter side of the news. Read the following true accounts from around the world and take heart in the fact that no matter how bad you feel, somebody, somewhere is dumber than you. Maybe not by much, but at least a little. And away we go.

We’ll start close to home: The Roanoke (Va.) Times reported on Jan. 17 that a Wytheville police officer had to rescue a 9-year-old boy who, with time on his hands waiting for a school bus on a "bone-deep cold" morning, decided to find out what would happen if he licked a metal pole. While awaiting someone to bring warm water to free the boy, the officer and the kid had the following conversation: "Have you learned anything?" "Uh-huh." "Are you going to do this again?" "Uh-uh." [Roanoke Times, 1-17-05]

Ah yes, that old trick.

Now for something a bit further afield: "Fireworks Explode in Pants, Burn Boy" (a January story in New Orleans' Times-Picayune about an 11-year-old boy improvidently carrying bottle rockets in his pants while holding a sparkler).

Let’s go around the world for the next one, offering concrete evidence that people around the world are just as dumb as we are: The Japanese company Trane KK recently introduced the "lap pillow," a large foam headrest, in the shape of a woman's kneeling lower torso so that the target audience of men can rest their heads on "her" legs. It was probably created in response to an earlier product from the company Kameo of a pillow with a "man's" arm extending downward, targeted for women to hug the arm as they drift off to sleep. [BBC News, 12-13-04]

I’ll take two, please.

Finally, I’ll leave you with the story of someone who, for the benefit of the gene pool at large, paid the ultimate sacrifice for their faulty brain: Three men wielding knives tried to rob a slaughterhouse. But when it comes to hand to hand combat with sharp blades, butchers working in a slaughterhouse are more than a match for your average thief. They stabbed two of the intruders to death. The third man escaped from the angry butchers and fled in his car.
Police soon spotted him, and after a brief car chase, the would-be thief pulled over and leapt from his vehicle. But instead of fleeing into the underbrush, he tried to dodge heavy traffic and escape across the highway. Perhaps he thought that threatening butchers with knives was not a sufficient demonstration of his intelligence.

Within seconds, the natural justice system meted out his punishment in the form of a large truck, which struck and killed him.

With people like that can you blame me for seeing the glass half empty? I think not.

Why? Because they tried to rob butchers with knives for God’s sake.

Thanks to the darwinawards.com and newsoftheweird.com.

Real Lessons from Reality Shows

2005-02-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago I was watching one of America’s favorite reality shows, Wife Swap.

At this point I’d like to confess how ashamed I am for admitting that I watched America’s favorite reality show, Wife Swap. If it is any consolation to those connoisseurs of programming who would never be caught watching such a monstrosity, I am now approximately one hour closer to death with nothing to show for it. But I digress.

So there I was, watching with fascination as ABC upped the ante on me. Instead of the normal wife swapping dynamic (and I don’t mean anything having to do with the "swinger" lifestyle), ABC flipped the script, as it were. This time, ABC took the African American wife from a biracial couple, who had several children, and swapped her with the lesbian wife (?) from a couple raising one child. Put on the gloves and let the drama ensue!

At this point in the article, it would be logical for me to describe the "family" dynamic that evolved after the swap and relate the adjustments and reactions faced by the involved parties; unfortunately, because I could actually feel my brain cells dripping out of my ears, I quit paying attention at that point. That being said, let’s skip straight to the nail-biting conclusion, shall we?
The end of the show, however, I did watch. What made the end different, you ask? The commercial-break-preview showed someone crying hysterically right after the forthcoming words from our sponsors. Naturally being a good American (Love it or leave it!) and taking great pleasure in the misery of others, I tuned in.

The reason for all the tears? Upon the two families’ meeting to share their experiences under the different moms, the African American mom gave a first degree tongue-lashing to the lesbian. First she said she was uncomfortable with a gay woman around her precious babies. Then she referred to her as a sexual deviant and predator. Finally, she brought out the big guns; she used biblical backing to send the lesbian straight to hell! That, ladies and gentleman, is drama.

Did anyone else pick up on the irony here? Fifty years ago, a biracial couple in the majority of people’s eyes would have been seen as an abomination. One hundred and fifty years ago, the bible and science were both used to justify slavery. But hey, its 2005, and what’s a little history between bigots?

I bet that you’re expecting a moral conclusion at this point in the article, this being the end and all. Prepare for disappointment. All this reading, and I didn’t even make a sweeping conclusion about hypocrisy, the infallibility of scripture, or stupid people in general. Dear reader, consider yourself several minutes closer to death with nothing to show for it.

Why? Because I’ve been writing this column for so long, I don’t even have to make sense anymore.

People Are Silly

2005-02-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

As Matt Glosser, noted philosophizer and political analyst, is fond of reminding me, “Life’s a bitch.” Indeed it is, sir; indeed it is.

Many of you have no doubt noted that we are fast approaching, and in most minds are probably already in the midst of, another holiday season. ‘Tis the season that will test the limits of our patience levels as we are forced to endure long lines for bargain prices on cheap plastic crap, gorge ourselves on all that food on Christmas Day, and suffer through the general hubbub that is the season of giving and brotherly love. Not that I’m complaining or anything.

Actually, I am complaining. I complain a lot; it’s what I do; it’s my shtick, if you will. Like most of you out there, I complain a lot. About the fact that my Cavern sub sucked yesterday and that I have to walk all the way from Bast to West sometimes.

But once a week, I try to tone down the marginal stuff and look at the big picture for the benefit of you, the humble peruser of these pages. As I sign off for the next few weeks, keep in mind my mission over your winter break.

Namely, think about things bigger than yourself and, most importantly, think for yourself. When you catch yourself complaining about a night where you made only $26 at work, as I did last night, that it is one more dollar than many South Africans earn in a month. Try, for at least a moment, to really keep in mind the lives of the soldiers who are fighting in Iraq while you have a bullet- and bomb-free Christmas, of those around the world starving to death (at the rate of 24,000 a day, 75 percent of whom are under five years old) while you worry about the two or three extra turkey pounds you’ll gain, and of the home you’ll return to as 3.5 million of your fellow Americans experience homelessness this year.

This is not an attempt to guilt anyone into giving the guy in front of Wal-Mart a few extra bucks; this is more important. It is an attempt to get people to keep in mind just what a $26 night at Mac’n’Bob’s really means in the grand scheme of things – not much.

Why? Because I said so.

Why Republicans piss me off even more.

2005-02-04T12:26:00.000-08:00

Last week I presented the first in a two part series illuminating just what it is about each of the two main American political parties that annoys me. The Democrats, the party I side with on many issues, give me plenty of cause to get my undies in a bundle. For this week, though, I’ve saved something truly special: one of the chief reasons I stay with the Democrats. For all the Democrat’s faults, the Republicans always manage to irritate me even more.

The Republican Party’s self-assumed role as the defenders of various ideals truly galls me. First, the notion of small government. It seems that the Republicans have long been the defenders of smaller government and fewer taxes. I’m going to refrain from engaging in duels here about which Presidents raised or cut taxes and who presided over deficits and who said what about the Speaker’s mother. That’s all well and good and we can always blame the budgetary situations of today on the actions of our predecessors, and it all boils down to how you count the dollars. Rather, I’m thinking of specific programs here. The big ones; the ones that make you sit back and scratch your head, for instance:

Star Wars.

That’s right (not the movie) but the missile defense program initiated, let’s see…about twenty years ago. When I was born. When we were still in the Cold War. We’re still throwing money at a program that will use “lasers” to shoot down incoming nuclear “missiles”. A program, by the way, that a Pentagon spokesperson recently said would probably never be capable of shooting down long ranged missiles. Short range, yes. Long range, no. Excellent; if Canada or Mexico ever try to nukes us we’re safe.

And just how does this program work, you wonder? Well, when pressed on the issue, a high-ranking Republican advocate of the program recently explained the inner-workings of the device in layman’s terms. First one of our nuclear enabled enemies, like those damn dirty Soviets, launch a missile. The missile is picked up by radar, the proper authorities are notified, and the command to deploy is given. Then, a battalion of specially trained magic fairies flies out of a silo somewhere in the Midwest armed with magic nets. They fly up and catch the missile, give it to Superman, and he throws it back at the USSR. All in a day’s work. Go Team America!

And that’s just one of the reasons those zany Republicans drive me nuts.

Why? Because I’ve only been wrong once in my life, and that was the time I thought I had made a mistake.

Why Democrats piss me off.

2005-01-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

Just why do the Democrats, the political flavors I generally prefer (in case you hadn’t noticed by now), so often irritate me? There are many reasons actually.

For starters, something hurts deep down inside when I realize that the majority of people are more likely to associate Michael Moore and Bono than actual political figures as spokesmen of the Democratic Party. Is it so hard in 2005 to find a galvanizing political figure that actually is in politics, not entertainment? The few names out there that people recognize are far too divisive to be viable leaders. Senators Kennedy and Clinton and Reverends Jackson and Sharpton are either loved or hated, and it usually seems to be the latter. Instead of new faces uniting the party and leading it into a new century, I see the same crotchety old men making the calls and losing touch with the electorate.

Also, the Democrats seem to be carrying a lot of emotional baggage with them on many issues, most notably national security and foreign policy. Since the late 1940’s we’ve apparently been too soft on everyone from the terrorists to various dictators and most notably the Communists. The remedy? I surely don’t know. Perhaps we should go out and preemptively pick wars to show just how tough we really are. Strap on the nukes and lets go bomb us a terrorizing communist gay baby seal for Christ. Yee-haw. That’ll teach ‘em.

Most of all, however, I shed a tear when I think about the fact that the Democrats have been reduced on many issues to a political punching bag. Instead of a forward thinking party making strong calls on various issues, the Democrats have become a passive party stammering to justify stands contrary to the Republican platform. It goes a lot like this:

Republican: Let’s get tough on terrorists! Send in the troops. Bring ‘em on!
Democrat: Maybe we’re being too hasty; this war doesn’t sounds like a good idea.
Republican: So you don’t support American troops, then, is that it? America: love it or leave it, you damned traitors!

Republican: Same-sex marriage and stem cell research are clear-cut moral issues.
Democrat: But we like those ideas.
Republican: Trying to bleed the morals right out of America, you damned atheists.

Republican: Americans should not have to pay high taxes.
Democrat: But the money has to come from somewhere.
Republican: Tax the stamps next, why don’t you! No taxation without representation, you damned British!

It’s time to stop being the party of assumed weakness and old farts and reach back out to the public with somebody other than Michael Moore.

Why? Because I said so.

Big Brother, Coming to a Telescreen Near You

2004-11-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

The overwhelming power of the human race to pull the wool over its own eyes never ceases to amaze me. I would describe myself as “shocked and awed;” however, that is a trademarked phrase of Fox News, and since we all know Fox News to be the final arbiter of all that is good and holy, I’ll refrain.

Instead I will begin a “fair and balanced” explanation of my overwhelming consternation. The internal rhyme inherent in that last sentence almost makes me want to abandon conventional “opinion” writing and delve into the world of rapping, perhaps marketing myself as the next great white rapper, Vanilla Pudding. Alas, I digress.

I had a point to make today, and I believe it can best be expressed in the statement, “People are silly.” I just came from a class in which I made a presentation about the futures expressed in dystopian novels like 1984 and Brave New World. In each, people live in totalitarian societies that put the totality back in totalitarianism. A totality so total that the government, like, totally has the ability to control what you think, leaving you with not much to think about, and where’s the fun in that?

I then powered my point onto other slides, pointing out my grand epiphany: that these societal states are reached not by violent revolutions led by Big Brother or The Man. Rather, it’s a slow process of acceptance; one of an impingement here and an inconvenience there that nobody ever speaks up about.

Does anybody see a problem with a trend whereby the powers of governments and companies to monitor and control their citizens’ and employees’ behavior is constantly expanding? But it’s so useful that you can be tracked by GPS devices in your car and cell phone; it’s helpful to you, the consumer, remember? Or that children in Texas now check in and out of school with a scan card. It’d be so much simpler if they just tattooed bar codes on their foreheads, don’t you think?

Now I’m going to surf the net while computers monitor my purchases and sites visited, give advance notice to the FBI about my upcoming trip to the library, drive home and hope On Star doesn’t lock my doors for me, pop a few soma, and relax in front of the telescreen and let five companies who own the vast majority of all media outlets tell me what to think.

Why? Because nobody else bothered to ask why.

Post-Election Blues

2004-11-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Several days ago, the country reelected George W. Bush as President of the U.S. Many out there, myself included, might be inclined to sing a sad song about Kerry’s defeat, but there really is no point. The election is over, and it is now time to build a bridge, get over it, and look to the future.

The post-election period has already seen many calls for a new push toward non-partisan cooperation and for pleas for Democrats and Republicans to find common ground. Will it happen? Probably not. This is an interesting idea that makes one wonder just what the point of democracy in our country is.

Is it to promote a better way of life for common Americans? According to those in power, yes. In reality? It certainly doesn’t seem like it. As we struggle to spread our democratic vision of the American Dream across the world, now might be a poignant time to ask, just what is the American Dream?

It once was the reality that through hard work, one could use the opportunities afforded in this country to achieve a comfortable life. Now, it seems like this is a catch-phrase and a convenient excuse. Many people complain incessantly about the have-nots in America; how those at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder are there because they’re too lazy to climb it.

I came across a book recently called Nickel and Dimed. The book was a study on just how hard it is to make it as a minimum-wage earning citizen in America, how the cost of housing, insurance, child care, and education are not supportable by a minimum-wage income. But we write off those at the bottom; they’re in America, just not taking advantage of the Dream. With the Dream in disarray here at home, perhaps we should reexamine it before we try to push it on those around the world.

Why? Because I said so.